Fear of Rejection

Yesterday my roommate and I were discussing the sorrows of being single. We were going over some of the things that hold us back from being outgoing. One of the things we discussed was our fear of people finding out who we really are. The fear of someone finding out that we really aren't perfect after all (a shocker I know ;P). No but really there are things in both of our lives that are embarrassing and hard to share, and the thought of sharing them and dealing through those things with that special someone is scary. But why? I dont know...we're just chicken and afraid to do it.

Today in church my pastor talked about the fear of rejection...how ironic. He mentioned that the fear of rejection is something we learn, not something we are born with. The only fears we are born with is the fear of falling and of loud noise. When we fear rejection we build up walls around us to isolate ourselves so that no one can see us. When he said this it totally hit home to me. This is exactly what I do. This is why I fear making new friends, this is why I cant even go up to a guy and say hello without my brain freezing. I worry to much about what people are going to think about my flaws. The remedy to this is knowing that we are loved unconditionally by Christ, He loves us no matter what. When we understand this love that He has for us, our walls of fear will tear down.

I needed to hear this so much, and I really want to work on truly knowing Gods unconditional love because these walls keep me from too much. :)

"Oh how He loves us so, Oh how He loves us, how He loves us so, He loves us, oh how He loves us, oh how He loves us, Oh how He loves..."

"Once you were alienated from God and were enemies in your minds because of your evil behavior. But now he has reconciled you by Christ’s physical body through death to present you holy in his sight, without blemish and free from accusation—" Colossians 1:21-22

What if...

Do you ever feel like you are constantly asking the question what if? I feel like my head is always spinning in circles asking this exact question. It frustrates me because sometimes I just wish that I could test out these what if situations without a loss of time, or hurt occurring. I wish that there was a machine that you could put these what if situations into and watch them play out.

I guess this is where total surrender and trust comes into play. I have to surrender my life and continually ask God for his direction. I just get so impatient wishing that He would give me the answers already.

"I hate feeling like this im so tired of trying to fight this..."

Spring Break

Day 1- Saturday we traveled all day long. We took turns so the drive wasnt bad.

Day 2- We went to the Johnsons church. The pastor was in from Nairobi, Africa. He gave a very convicting message about giving our all to Christ and not holding back. This created some great conversation between all of us. It was a great reminder that He will take care of us when we give up everything. After church we went to this little town and walked around, it was quaint but most of the shops were closed because it was Sunday. We headed to a HUGE mall that was the size of King Of Prussia. We found awesome one piece bathing suits at GAPbody for 8 dollars! We came back to the house to celebrate Mikaelas birthday and just chill.

Day 3- BEACH! We got to the beach around 1 and stayed until about 6. We all got burnt, I probably got the worst. I hated myself for forgetting the lotion on the back of my legs. We found a cute little frozen yogurt place right off the beach and of course we hit that up and then walked around for a little. Mrs. Johnson made us some awesome Chicken Noodle soup for dinner and again we just chilled and watched some T.V. and talked.

Day 4- We were in a lot of pain from the sunburn and wanted to test out some of the thrift stores in the area so we decided to make this day a shopping day. We ran into a strange man in one store. Rachel H. started a conversation with him because he had a N.J. accent. He was full of stuff, he claimed to have a recording studio in L.A. and N.Y. Said he was named after Frank Sinatra. He asked Rachel for a piece of the orange that she was munching on. He was peculiar thats for sure. His mannerisms reminded of my Uncle Scott, he was very personable which was fine, I just felt a little uncomfortable with with his scent of alcohol. After our escape we found a smoothie place and I got my nails done. Not something i do very often but it was a nice treat. I only bought two small packs of stationary and Rachel Eby got a few items, and then Rachel Hart got some clothes.

After shopping we stopped in the wet lands which was really pretty. We went around dusk so it was cool and the sun was gorgeous. We saw 3 gators and at one point Rachel E. stepped on a snake, the snake proceeded to turn around hiss and dart toward Rachel Hart and I. I screamed and ran like a mad woman. It was quite a comical scene. The snake was no thicker than a pencil and about 2 feet long. After our nature walk we came back to the house and got dressed up to go out to eat. We went to T.G.I. Fridays and ate dinner around 10:30. We had fun just being on no time limit and chilling with each other. That night when we got back Rachel Hart heard from a friend who works at Disney World and found out that he offered to get us in for FREE. We were all freaking out. I had been dying to go but just didnt want to dish out the money for it. I could not believe the offer! We set up a time for him to meet us on Thursday and get us in.

Day 5- We headed to Cocoa Beach which was a lot warmer than New Smyrna. We actually got in the water and rode some waves. We brought the boogie boards so it was perfect! We planned on staying in the area for awhile as one of our friends from school was going to meet up with us around 9 pm. Well we waited and 9:30 rolled around. He said he was about an hour away. So we went to Wal-mart (the only thing open) and walked around until about midnight when our friend FINALLY showed up. (This was hard as I was trying not to be a mom the whole time and tried to relax and just have fun) We ended up staying in Cocoa until about 4:30 am. We hung out on the beach and ran into some drunk people who were missing their naked friend. We later ran into a cop who found the naked friend and was looking for the clothed friends. It was a crazy night. We went to Dennys and had breakfast and then got back to the Johnson's house around 5:30 a.m.

Day 6- We woke up at 8:30 and got ready to head to Disney world. Yes thats right we only got about 2 1/2 hours of sleep. We were so tired! We got to Disney around 10:30 and went out to eat with the kid who was getting us into the park. We got the the park around 12 and Anthony walked us right onto Space Mountain and the Peter Pan ride. Both of which had about a 2 hour wait. It was so crazy! We got to watch the day parade and the castle show as well as ride some rides. The park was open until 1 a.m. because of St. Patricks day which was another blessing because it allowed us to get some rides in that we probably wouldn't have been able to ride because of the crowds. We got to see the "Electrical Parade" which was SO cool. Anthony was in this parade so we made sure to come watch him. It was great! We stayed until 1 a.m. which would mean that we had only had about 2 1/2 hours of sleep for 36 hours. We were exhausted but it was SO worth it. I got teary eyed just thinking about how blessed we were to get F.R.E.E. tickets! I wish that my siblings could have been there too, I know they would have loved it.

Day 7- We slept until 11. We were so tired! We still got up and went to the beach though we spent a few hours there which was nice to get some extra sun in. :) We had some boys pull up to us and blare their fowl rap music next to us. Rachel Hart was a brave soul and asked them to turn it down, they were kind enough to do so but of course they threw in some flirty gestures including a wink at me. I just rolled my eyes and was relieved that they left shortly after. We made it back in time to eat a HUGE pizza at the Johnson's and some angel food cake with strawberries and whip cream. yum! We had a nice time chilling with the family and watched a bit of "The Lion King." We got most of our stuff packed and hit the pillow.

Day 8- We left the house around 8:30 and made it to "The Townhouse" which was a nice little diner that Zac worked at. It was nice to get some breakfast before we hit the road. Rachel Eby drove the WHOLE way home which was great. I got to sleep in the back. We stopped at a fruit stand and the guy gave us free oranges and grapefruits. They are so yummy too! Our next stop was at "The worlds largest Strawberry" we got some home made ice cream there and I got some yummy bananas and a good looking tomato. We almost passed the place but Rachel stopped along the highway and backed into the place. It was quite the scary experience. We made it back alive, depressed, and tired of driving/ sitting. It always stinks to see a vacation come to an end.

Overall the break was MORE than we ever thought and I don't think that we could have planned it to be so awesome. God gave us some unexpected blessings and it was great to relax and refresh ourselves.

Now its back to school, stressing over my 18 credit load and looking forward to going home for Easter break to see my family, of whom at that point I wont see for a whole 16 weeks. :O

Gotta let go...

Lately I have struggled so much with my brother joining the Marines. I find myself searching for the rewind button wishing we could go back to the days where we were care free playing in the backyard, or pretending we were the next brother sister band, and the worst thing that would happen is that we had to do a chore or clean our room. Now I look ahead and struggle to not cry as I think about all that could happen to him. "Dont assume the worst" is what everyone says. Yea, ok I can try but when one of your best friends is walking into something that is so immensely difficult you cant help but wish that you could keep them from pain. I love him so much and I am so incredibly proud of him, I could never make a decision like that for my country and its because of men like him that allows our country to be where it is. He is a big boy now, and as the big sister, the one who has always tried to protect him I have to let go. I love my Jeff-rey Mac-en-henny and I pray that he learns a lot and grows to be the gentleman that God has him to be, that he stays on the straight and narrow, that when things get tough that he doesn't look down in despair but that he looks up and remembers where his strength comes from.

I cant even write this without choking up. This summer is going to be tough without having him around, but I look forward to what God has in store for Jeff and for me. Chris was hired to work at the Park and I really hope that our relationship can grow together while Jeff is gone. Bottom line is that I need to let go and let God take control. Gods plans are bigger and better than anything my silly "run away" mind can think of.